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April 21st, 2006
So I overheard this couple today - well, they might have been a couple, or maybe they were just really good friends, or co-workers, or something. Regardless of what their status with each other is, I overheard them anyways. The one man was talking about this old Indian philosophy - or maybe it was Arabic. Whatever, it doesn't matter what country it came from. Point is, I overheard this man talking about a philosophy about every person owning two dogs - a good dog and a bad dog. With every action, the person would feed one of those dogs, and eventually, one of the dogs would starve the other to death because it would take all of the food, and it would determine what kind of person we'd become.
So I guess the question I'd like to have on my mind as I go to bed is... which dog have I been feeding all of these years?
March 31st, 2006
I've been feeling caged in lately. I guess that's the only way I can describe it... I've lost touch with, well, just about everyone I've been friends with. It's starting to give me a nice dose of depression and anxiety, really - the former over having done nothing with friends for well over a quarter of a year, and the latter because, honestly, I'm horrible at social situations. I've got this nagging feeling that people stopped talking with me for good reason... that maybe I've done something to piss them off to the point of no return. What's upsetting is that fact that the things I know I've done wrong... the things I need to apologize for... at this point, they'd just be falling on deaf ears, like the fact that I'm trying to somehow atone for the sins I've committed means nothing. What's more upsetting than that is, with the people I might still have a shred of hope of being able to talk to, the longer I wait, the more likely they're just going to tell me to fuck off.
It bothers me to think that I've lost touch to the point that I could pass away and nobody would know for some time. Bothers me even more that I could think of a good number of people who'd be glad to hear that kind of news. Even more than that, though, is that outside of family, I can't think of a single person who'd exhibit more than an, "Oh... well, that sucks." I've made next-to-no positive impact on this world, and it's really starting to fester.
Was going to have some company here, and the tentative plan was to go out drinking. As much as I'd have liked to, you know... actually go to a bar and drink myself a little stupid, I'm in too much of a mood to drink far to much and put my theory of "Who Cares?" to the test. Of course, with the way it feels lately, my lungs are on the verge of crapping out. Already been having enough difficulty breathing from time to time, ever since I moved. I'm almost tempted to take bets on how long they'll go before chemical damage catches up with 'em. At least the money that'd raise could go to something useful.
You know what's really sad here? I'm being depressing, I *KNOW* I'm being depressing... and I just don't give a damn anymore. To be honest... part of me doesn't seem to give a damn about anything.
So I decided, after a bit of time... that I really like Brisingal as the name of my compy. Hell, I wasn't even planning on keeping it, and yet it seems like I am. However, all is not lost! I have three partitions on my hard drive, so I've now got Phaeton with the Windows section, and then for the raging Dante fanboy that I can be, went with Ebony and Ivory for the other two. When I pick up a thumb drive, I think I'll refer to it as Loki, for the sole purpose of using the puntastic, "It's not a USB Key. It's a Loki!"
Ok, so... public poll for everyone. I got my new computer working last night, and good lord, is it an amazing piece of hardware. Compared to my last machine, it is quite chock full of the supposed 'meat and pwn'. However, there's one final touch I'd like to give this thing, and that's a name that's equally as awesome. For the time being, I've dubbed it Brisingal, but it's more of a placeholder than anything (although I'm kind of liking it).
Anyways, my poll is this - suggest a name for my new compy, and give me a decent reason why I should pick it. I'm thinking something from legends/mythology, but I'll see what people come up with.
Good news: I'm finally able to upgrade my computer, thanks to having a very generous mother coupled with a recent birthday. Within the next few days, I'll be able to say hello to a gig of RAM, a 256 meg PCI-Express video card, and a 2.8Ghz processor.
Bad news: I sliced my left leg open at work today. Took a good chunk of skin, not to mention the fact that all around the injury is bruised.
In different news: Mom is finally in jail. Thirty days, and counting.
Yes, it's a short one. Care to know more? Ask me y'self.
So the happiness of turning twenty-one was very short-lived today, for two reasons. The first reason (which is quite minor, I assure you) is that I've just gotten back from what I think could be labeled as a food service nightmare. The second?
I learned, at about noon today, that a good friend of mine was sexually assaulted.
I've been spending the day keeping this girl in my thoughts. I suggest that, instead of celebrating the fact that I'm of legal age to drink, you guys do the same.